February 7

My Day

Dear Diary! Today was another shit day. I was really angry. Angrier than I ever was in the last year (at least). But let me explain.

Why so angry?

Yesterday evening, my brother got home from the army. He’s currently sick. So yesterday he only got home, and then went to sleep (for obvious reasons). But today at lunch, he told us about his week. (Keep in mind, he was sick for the whole week – probably a light pneumonia or a flue.)

They had the “hardest week” this week. Well that sounds bad to begin with. They had to march for way too long, then under some unlucky circumstances, he didn’t have dinner (as the only one in his platoon), and then they all had to march back. So a day, where he’s sick, had to march a lot, and no dinner.

The next morning, they told him, that he had to change platoon. This really enraged me. But why is this so enraging to me? My brother is really introverted. It even comes close to social anxiety. But then, in the military, he really tried, and even started to talk to some platoon mates of his. And now, that he finally had some friends in the platoon, he had to change it. ?????????????????

This is so fucking annoying. I can’t even put it in words.

A quick fun-fact about me: I am usually a really calm person, and have my emotions really good under control. But that. Nah. This got the better of me. Just because some stupid ass army retards had planned things terribly, my brother had to change away from his new friends??? Like HELLOO??

It was really bad. I couldn’t exactly control me. (This sounds really bad – but with me, it’s then usually verbal provocations (or abuse – if you want to go as far and call it that).) Then, my mom was in the unlucky position, and became my aim, for my misdirected anger. It was really mean what I told her. Especially, since she had a terrible week, because she knew, that my brother was sick. But then I just let it out.

Luckily, I realized when talking, that she couldn’t take it, and then I stopped. But it was really mean anyway. (My rant was about: At home we have this toxic way of talking about the military, and that you have to go to the army, in order to become a man. And for obvious reasons, my brother had a terrible week, so I told her, that this was partially her fault, for this stupid mindset in the family. Just to be clear, it’s not her – the problem for this mindset.)

After that, we shifted (somewhat) what we talked about and finished lunch.

After lunch, I wanted to go study in my room, but I couldn’t focus on studying. I was too angry. My mind just could not stay on the math things. I was just always thinking, about these fucking army retards, that made things terribly for my brother.

So in the end, I did not study today. Just couldn’t do it.

Evening

But then in the evening, my mom came to my room, because she wanted to talk about what happened at lunch. But before she could say what it was, she wanted to talk about, I said sorry, and that I didn’t mean it. That I was just angry, and that it was misdirected anger. We then made up again.

And later in the evening, my head really hurt, so I didn’t study either (and also, I don’t think, I could even really focus right now). I still watched a short video about one thing, I wanted to study today, so it was not a complete waste today.

So that’s about all that happened today. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow! (Hopefully not as angry then!) Bye-Bye!