February 16

Today, is only short bullet points. Don’t really feel like writing a lot. Am tired, hungry, and it’s already way too late.

My Day

chilling in tha morning

volleyball in afternoon – easy 3:0 W

After dinner, I was chilling for some more, and then I “planed” my next semester. I still am not 100% sure what I’ll take, but mostly I’m done. That is:
– Deep learning (as the only comp-sci lecture)
– measure theory
– probability theory
– complex analysis
– ?one more, which I don’t know yet?

Also in the evening, I watched the twitch-stream of Spammiej (Trackmania) who is a “retired” pro player, but then qualified for the top 8 of the biggest ever tournament in Trackmania. The “Red Bull Faster”-tournament. It was like a super close fight, and I got really invested. It was really fun when he really did it! That was super uplifting.
(Sadly) This was the only time today, where I was really happy… Like, winning in volleyball was nice too, but it didn’t really feel like that. This was just more(?).

Feelings

Saw my ex at volleyball. Didn’t talk to her, had sometimes a somewhat awkward eye-contact. But it didn’t feel as weird to me, as it used to. (Like, no feeling in my stomach, just sort of weird.)
I guess, that counts as progress.

Feeling Empty – Happy & Sad the Same?

While walking back from the gym (after volleyball) I felt like empty inside. Strangely enough, it felt somewhat like when I’m (truly) happy, but except the happy part. Like just a state of feeling. It just felt like more real. Can’t really describe it in words.
(This sorta reminded me of the tao – which in this context would be the intense feeling instead of the “feel” itself. At least, that’s what I thought…)

Music Taste Changes

On a separate unrelated note: I started to listen to “love songs” again lately. (For example: emiliana – CKay; I see th elights – tangled; calm down – Rema; …) Make of that what you will, but I thought, I’d mention iz.

Shower Thoughts

While showering I miss cuddling (somewhat) like the Laying in bed, the warmth of the other person, and the soft touches and so on… Maybe because I’m getting a fever, and am somewhat cold. Or maybe I’m just feeling (a bit) lonely.

Also in the shower, I started to think about quitting volleyball. It’s like, the fire is not really burning no more. I don’t know tho. Maybe I’m just getting sick or it’s because I’m hungry(?).