March 13

My Day

Getting up early -> back to sleep again -> Lunch

Correcting my students hand in’s & watching YouTube

Don’t have dinner at home, because they ate late (because my sister and her husband came over) and we had coach-meeting today.
Usually, the coach meeting is quite boring, so for today, I packed a pen and 1 sheet of paper, and then with some friends, we played this game, where you fold the paper-sheet, and then each person paints one part, without letting the others know what it looks like. Then in the end, we got a funny looking character.

But what did we even talk about at the coach-meeting? I don’t really know… I learned, that the people from there, aren’t good at discussing things. Particularly two of them, just can’t do it. I don’t get them. They just don’t discuss important things. And if they “do”, they don’t handle the problem, always only with the particular cases. So annoying, if you try to solve a general problem.
Also, one important thing in this meeting was, who trains when, and I raised my (my teams) issues, but as usual, no-one really tries to solve them. It’s always like “we hear you” / “we see what we can do”. But then in the end, nothing changes.

All in all: I don’t think, anything really useful was solved today.

After that, Emiliana drove Daniel and me to the train station. Funnily enough, she also complained about one of the 2 culprits which I have a problem with – so now I know, that I’m not the problem :thumbsup: . And with that, we all went home.

At home, I cooked myself some pasta, ate dinner, and then went into my room. I watched some YouTube, finished correcting the students things. After that, I took a shower, and now I’m writing (to) you!

Ex Thoughts

Today, at the coaches-meeting, the classic point of “not enough refs” came up. And my ex is one of the remaining refs in the club. So she obviously came up.

Now, this was (at least felt) super awkward for me. Every time I feel as if I’m heating up, and then (obviously) no-one talks to me, so I just feel weird.
The important part being: They said, that she doesn’t know, since she’s currently on vacation and thinks of moving out.

Now, what does this mean for me? Objectively speaking: nothing. But at home, I (of course) couldn’t really stop thinking about that.

Here’s one more weird part. I get really jealous¹, when I think of her, having sex with other dudes. It just somehow feels (a little) as if she’s cheating on me. Well, not exactly that, but in some way exactly like that.
And to take it one step further: I think, the “worst” for me would be, if she’d have sex with a black guy. Can’t exactly say why… Just… I think it’s about dick-size. I don’t know maannn…
It just feels… a little unmaning to me. Like, I don’t know. It also doesn’t even make sense. But still. Feelings don’t really have to make sense. They just are!

At home, I listen to “Cough (Odo)” by “Kizz Daniel“, which I was listening to often, back when we used to date. And this brought up quite a lot of memories of her. Like, for instance, we once went away on a spa trip (for a weekend). Like, when we were traveling there. In the bus, sitting next to each other, cuddling a little, and listening to this song. Or when we went on a hike to some mountain lake.
And also some more memories of when we went to Tenerife together. We had a really good time… (For me, in the beginning not so much, but then in the end, it was really good…) Some memories of us in our hotel room, enjoying the view, traveling around, and so on.

So when the song came up, this suddenly made me feel really bad. I felt a hard weight on my chest, and felt my breathing getting erratic, and I felt a little like crying. This all was then too much, so I took my daily shower to get out of my spiral. Luckily, this helped nearly all of my problems.

Just had to get this off my chest.

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That’s all for today. I’ll see you again tomorrow! Until then, Bye-Bye!

1. Maybe, jealous isn’t the correct word, but it comes down to one thing I once said already. The quote from Ryan (the office): “I don’t want to be with her but I can’t bear the thought of her being with anyone else. What should I do?”
   This also is really weird, but yeah. ↩︎