May 21

Hello. I hardly did anything today. Just watched some YouTube. In the evening, I had volleyball practice. After the practice, I showered (obviously) and only Daniel and I were left. So some music and so on. As you may know, I said, that I might tell Daniel in the shower today, but I didn’t.

BUT, after we were done, we walked to the train station, and I told him then. Well, at first I asked, how she’s doing and so on. Then later I shifted the conversation, s.t. he asked me, why I’m down. So I told him:

I’m on my quest to understanding women. -> I want to know, what love feels like (for women) (for men, it’s kinda like protect) -> answer is (kinda) “to care for” -> So all in all, love means, to care for the other person (in one way or the other).
Now, I thought about how my ex was doing this, and how I did it. Turns out, (I think) she did it really good, and I didn’t. -> This makes me sad.
Also, I still feel bad, since I broke up with her, and she (in hindsight it’s obvious) was actually a good girlfriend.

But what triggered all that? On Monday, after the volleyball practice, they were talking that they were going to some “volley-night”. And I immediately knew, that my ex was the one, who organized it -> she cares for them. (On a further note, I think, active people are more attractive.)
Now this all makes me sad :(.

So, since he (and some more friends) see her this Saturday, Daniel is my undercover spy. Super weird, but I wanna know, how she’s doing and all. So he might tell me soon.
Also, it’s super cringey of me, but you know: I don’t know, how her “healing process” is going, and I don’t want to interrupt it, by texting her, which might hurt her. So I’ll do it this (cringey) way.

So now I’m back home. And I gotta say, I’m feeling way better. On the bicycle ride home, I even had this (arrogant) thought, of getting back together, but I gotta say, this would be (in a way) really bad (since social pressure and so on and so forth). Also, some of my (volleyball-) friends didn’t like her, so that would be bad. But it would be good, since we are kinda a match. But I gotta stop all this wishful thinking.
I even asked myself, if it’s just me thinking of an easy way out of my single-life? But I don’t really think so.
Also, I remembered why I broke up with her. And it sounds like a little thing, but I often couldn’t relate to her thinking of some stories. For example work-place-stories, where I thought she was the bad guy, and not the guy she was mad at. (And as much as I hate to say it, she’s not the prettiest, and doesn’t really look good on pictures… Which of course I’d like.) Also, she once said, (at least I think she did) that she isn’t necessarily the “cute girlfriend” which I’d like (as most probably do).
But then, the upsides were, that it was fun with her, and we connected, since we were kinda similar. Also, the volleyball-friends that do like her, think she’s “based” which is kinda funny. And based of course!

Anyway. I’m just rambling on and on, for no real point. So we stop it now. That’s all I got for you today. I’ll see you again tomorrow. Take care! Bye-Bye!

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Check-List Time

• Thinking about ex: 7/10 bad
• Shoulder pain: not too bad, since Ibuprofen
• How was my day?
  Morning: mid, afternoon mid -> bad, evening mid -> bad -> good
• Didn’t go to uni today either.