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Hi! Today, I didn’t do anything. The only thing was: I went on a quick drive this afternoon, to the pharmacy, with my mom; but they didn’t have my (usually) ordered medication… So I have to go again on Monday.

I watched a lot of photography related videos, and also a lot of travel videos. Lots of the travel videos were about multiple-day train-rides. I think, I wanna go do that once. They are pretty expensive though.

But yeah. Today’s also Daniels PI mission. (I might get some intel on my ex tomorrow – haha.) I’m a little eager to know, ngl. But you know what I’m thinking. It’s a losing-man’s-game…

So that’s all I have for you today. But more will happen tomorrow! So I’ll see you then, take care! Bye-Bye!

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Check-List Time

• Thinking about ex: 3/10 bad (so again quite good. Only sometimes some horny thoughts, as it so happens…)
• Medication: I didn’t take my ibuprofen this morning, or yesterday evening, since I drank alcohol. But my shoulder pain wasn’t really bad. It’s only, when I move my right hand behind my head, and elbow up and back. So it’s aight.
  (But I’m going to take one right now, so I’m back on them!)
• How was my day? 4/10 -> I didn’t really have anything to do. So basically, it’s a wasted day…

Hi there! Today, I didn’t do that much either. But that was for different reasons. That means, I felt better today. It’s almost, that I got a clear view an all. WHAATTT? Who would have thought, that talking about problems would help? It’s almost a little like therapy. Crazy times!

Anyway. What did I actually do? I watched YouTube and corrected the exercises by my students. I watched some videos about photography. This is kinda a small interest of mine. That means, I thought about doing(?) photography as a hobby.
Also, I saw one video about color-theory, where he was talking about harmony of colors. For example monochromatic (1 color, with multiple brightnesses), or complementary (the 2 main colors are on the opposite side of the color circle). And I thought, that might actually be quite easy to implement into code. So kinda an automatic color corrector. I might do that tomorrow. (Might.)

Then, in the evening: My mom works at the school, and today was some sort of school-event. So Emily and I quickly went over there, saw her, got one portion of fries for free (since my mom was working there at the fries booth(?). We both didn’t really see anyone who we knew, so we quickly went back home (haha).
At home, we had Pizza.
I then watched the Los Ratones knock-out match. They won! (It’s kind of cringey, but I’m like a sports fan of their league of legends team – lol.) After that, I just spent some more time on YouTube.
Also, I quickly checked out some uni stuff. Since 1. I gotta get a permit, so I can study for a longer time (since I was working like 50% for 2 years), and also I was looking at possible exchange schools / universities (in case I want to do an exchange semester / year).

Then before, I showered. And silly me, jerked off, to memories of my ex. I don’t know, how smart that is, but it still sometimes happens. Usually, I have these few specific times in mind, where we had sex. One, for example, where she lied in bed, (kinda foreplay-ish horny-ish) and I just licked her, till she came.
(I don’t really know, why I tell you this, but I just do! hehe)
Anyway, the point being, that I thought about her, while jerking off. Maybe not the smartest move, but it does the job, if you know what I mean.
(Also, don’t forget, I’m not looking at porn, so it kinda has to be like past experiences…)

Yeah. So now, I’m done with my shower, and I’m writing (to) you. That’s about all for today. I’ll see you again tomorrow. Take care! Bye-Bye!

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Check-list time

• Thinking about ex: 3/10 bad
  Spent time, cringing about what soon might happen (even though, I kinda want it, but I really don’t – if you know what I mean)

• Shoulder pain: not too bad, since Ibuprofen (still taking 2 ibuprofen / day)

• How was my day? 6/10

Hello. I hardly did anything today. Just watched some YouTube. In the evening, I had volleyball practice. After the practice, I showered (obviously) and only Daniel and I were left. So some music and so on. As you may know, I said, that I might tell Daniel in the shower today, but I didn’t.

BUT, after we were done, we walked to the train station, and I told him then. Well, at first I asked, how she’s doing and so on. Then later I shifted the conversation, s.t. he asked me, why I’m down. So I told him:

I’m on my quest to understanding women. -> I want to know, what love feels like (for women) (for men, it’s kinda like protect) -> answer is (kinda) “to care for” -> So all in all, love means, to care for the other person (in one way or the other).
Now, I thought about how my ex was doing this, and how I did it. Turns out, (I think) she did it really good, and I didn’t. -> This makes me sad.
Also, I still feel bad, since I broke up with her, and she (in hindsight it’s obvious) was actually a good girlfriend.

But what triggered all that? On Monday, after the volleyball practice, they were talking that they were going to some “volley-night”. And I immediately knew, that my ex was the one, who organized it -> she cares for them. (On a further note, I think, active people are more attractive.)
Now this all makes me sad :(.

So, since he (and some more friends) see her this Saturday, Daniel is my undercover spy. Super weird, but I wanna know, how she’s doing and all. So he might tell me soon.
Also, it’s super cringey of me, but you know: I don’t know, how her “healing process” is going, and I don’t want to interrupt it, by texting her, which might hurt her. So I’ll do it this (cringey) way.

So now I’m back home. And I gotta say, I’m feeling way better. On the bicycle ride home, I even had this (arrogant) thought, of getting back together, but I gotta say, this would be (in a way) really bad (since social pressure and so on and so forth). Also, some of my (volleyball-) friends didn’t like her, so that would be bad. But it would be good, since we are kinda a match. But I gotta stop all this wishful thinking.
I even asked myself, if it’s just me thinking of an easy way out of my single-life? But I don’t really think so.
Also, I remembered why I broke up with her. And it sounds like a little thing, but I often couldn’t relate to her thinking of some stories. For example work-place-stories, where I thought she was the bad guy, and not the guy she was mad at. (And as much as I hate to say it, she’s not the prettiest, and doesn’t really look good on pictures… Which of course I’d like.) Also, she once said, (at least I think she did) that she isn’t necessarily the “cute girlfriend” which I’d like (as most probably do).
But then, the upsides were, that it was fun with her, and we connected, since we were kinda similar. Also, the volleyball-friends that do like her, think she’s “based” which is kinda funny. And based of course!

Anyway. I’m just rambling on and on, for no real point. So we stop it now. That’s all I got for you today. I’ll see you again tomorrow. Take care! Bye-Bye!

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Check-List Time

• Thinking about ex: 7/10 bad
• Shoulder pain: not too bad, since Ibuprofen
• How was my day?
  Morning: mid, afternoon mid -> bad, evening mid -> bad -> good
• Didn’t go to uni today either.

Waking up

Morning update: Hello! I’m quickly gonna talk about my dream. Now, I dreamt, that I met my ex, spent some time together, hugged to say goodbye, and then we kissed. Dam! I’m lost. I guess, in my dream, we also had sex, since there was still a hint left over – if you know what I mean. Nothing that I would remember though.
Then, I had a second dream, where I (with some friends like Josh for example) was forced into a “work-camp”. But let me explain: We were on vacation, tried to exit some random-ass garage, and then we were “arrested” by some non-local “cops”, who then put us in these classic orange overalls, and physically abused us. Somehow though, I got free(?). Then I went out of the camp, strolled around a bit, saw a bar, where they were teaching self-defense, I was super strong, so I impressed them, and then I woke up. Really random. It’s not even, I can really relate to somehow (haha).

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So, late night me back to the pen.

My Day

About my day: I slept until like super late, and then I was sad until lunch & spent some time on YouTube.

Afternoon: Right after dinner, I asked Daniel to play some Trackmania. So we played for like 3.5 hours, to distract me a little. I didn’t really tell him why though. I told him, that maybe I’ll tell him tomorrow in the shower after practice.
Once we were done gaming, I just spent some more time on YouTube, and then I asked Lorenzo for his lecture notes, and I re-wrote them into my notes.

Dinner: After dinner, my sister asked me, if I’m all right, since I didn’t really talk much, which isn’t quite me. So then I just gave a small excuse, like: “not everybody has always something to talk about” and then wandered off in my head again.

Evening: I finished the lecture-notes-rewriting & then just spent some time on YouTube. I was pretty bored though. Also, I watched some volleyball content, so yeah – maybe my interest in volleyball has risen a little? Maybe, I was just too bored.
Then, I took a shower, and now I’m here writing (to) you.

In the last few days / weeks, I thought about doing some “check-list” at the end of each day, where I quickly mention, if something special is on my mind; or just to make clear, what I did think about in a day; or if I had knee problems and so on and so forth. Just some small things, which are important for the big picture but not for any given day – if you know what I mean.

Anyway, that’s it for today. I’ll see you again tomorrow. Take care! Bye-Bye!

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Check-list time

• Thinking about ex: 9/10 bad
• Shoulder pain: not too bad, since Ibuprofen
• How was my day? 2.5/10

What’s up! Today, it’s feels first.

Feels bad man :(

First up, right now, I’m really down. I had volleyball practice before. After the practice, Daniel and one more told me, that they were going to a volley night this Saturday. That’s completely fine by me. Then, they said, that my ex plays in her team. Good for them, but it made me kinda sad. Not in a jealous way, but more in the way of: I’m pretty sure, that she was the one, who organized it. I think, this is kinda attractive (to be active) and so I spiraled like a mad man. I begun to think, if it was the correct choice, to break up.
Also, I still do really wonder, how she’s doing. I think, I’m gonna ask Daniel this Wednesday. Maybe, we’ll talk about it a little, in the shower after the volleyball practice, lol.

Back to the spiraling: It was way too far. It even got to the point, where I thought of an actual excuse, to get back together. Like hello??? Am I hearing myself right now??

But now for real. I mean, I went back to thinking, I’d rather not her be with someone that isn’t me. Like the jealous type. Why do I do this? Well – why does my brain keep doing it.

Also, it’s quite funny, since like today or yesterday I thought, “long time not thinking about my ex”. Funny how that aged (not really!).

So now I do feel really bad, and there’s nothing I can do about it… Well, it’s gotten a little bit better already, but still not that good. Maybe in a few days. At least, if I’m similar, to how I was in the past few weeks…

My Day

Anyway, now to my obligatory log of my day: In the morning, I went to the doctor because of my shoulder. I now have to take some ibuprofen for a week, and have some gel which is anti-inflammatory.
Since my doctor is right next to a store, I went and bought my mom a table bomb, since today’s her birthday.
Back at home, I solved some sudokus. I think, I might have autism – haha.

Afternoon: Right after lunch, I used a dethatcher on our lawn. Well, only half of it. The other half was done by my dad a week or two ago. This took surprisingly long. I mean, our lawn isn’t really big, especially half of it isn’t big. It still took like 2 hours. (For a quick perspective: If I just mow the lawn, it takes 45-60 minutes.)
Once I was done with that, I went back inside, and finished (pretty much) my coding project. Now, it creates people, with characteristics. With these characteristics, I then determine a score, for how good any given relationship would be. I then calculate all these scores, and then it calculates the best possible pairs, in order to maximize the average relationship score.
Once I was done with that, I planned today’s volleyball practice, and then I already had to go.

Evening: I went to the practice with the train & Daniel. The practice was really good. Just some more spiking technique drills.
After the practice, you know what happened.

So now back at home, I’m in my feels, and I’m espresso-depresso writing this entry.

On a separate unrelated note: I told you, about my quest of understanding women. As you know, my recent question is: What is love for women?
And I’ve been extrapolating this a little bit, so I think, I might form a theory about what love actually is. (I had the idea, of making like a detective cork board, with the red bands and so on. So it’s like a mind map.) Maybe I’ll do that soon.
Most certainly not today (or in the next few days, since I’m now back to my feels-bad-man thing…

That’s all for today though. I’ll see you tomorrow! Take care! Bye-Bye!

Hello! Yesterday, I set an alarm for this morning, and then I woke up at like 9am. This was a mistake though. I was one week off, and I thought I was invited to eat, since I helped move a friend of mine. But this is next week. After I realized that, I went back to sleep, and then I slept until like 12:20. So well into lunch.

So when I got up, I had lunch, then spent some time on my computer (solving Sudokus and some more programing) and then I went to the gym (at about 3:30).
I had a leg day today. So I did some squats, leg extension, leg curls and RDL’s. Since it was quite warm today, I went in flip-flops. Classic. I was even asked, if I wasn’t scared to injure myself, because of these shoes. Crazy times! (haha)

Back at home, I spent some more time on my PC, then I decided to go outside to lie in the sun. I watched the clouds a little, and so on. I realized, that there were two different layers of clouds – which had different wind directions.
Also Sara was over, and was asking me for advice how to study. I then helped a little bit and so on.

At dinner, I asked Sara the question to understanding women. (What does love mean for women?) And I kinda already forgot her answer… Silly me. But I wasn’t that convinced. But it was nothing too different from the other answers I’ve gotten so far.
So with the given information I have this far, I have come to the hypothesis that love (for men and women) means: “To take care of the loved one [in some specific way (protect for males / ??? for females)]”.
As weird as it may be, I plan on asking this some more women, if I see some I know. Hopefully it doesn’t get too weird though – haha!

After dinner, I went outside again for some little time, and then back to programming. I’m now pretty much done with the program. That means, I just implemented the hungarian algorithm for the assignment problem. Now I just need to find a way to combine the attraction from male -> female, and female -> male, so I get a good / desired pairing.
I played around with that a little bit tonight, but I didn’t really find an optimal solution yet. Who knows if I will.

Also, I realized (not today, but yesterday) if I go outside to just spend some time in the sun, I get a little tingly to do something. So, I guess I’m gonna do this more often. Also, it’s double nice, since I get a tan as well.

That’s about all for today. I’ll see you tomorrow! Take care! Bye-Bye!

Hello! Today, in the morning, I woke up, wasn’t really sure, what I should do, but then I remembered, that I told my sister, that I might read some more in the Tao te Ching, since I talked to her about it. So I ended up doing that. Was quite confusing though.

Once I was done with that, I just solved some Sudokus for most of the day. In the afternoon, I was also some time on YouTube, but in parallel also solving Sudokus. It’s really gotten me – ngl.

During dinner, I asked (the women), what “to love” means for them. (In the sense of old people, not like nowadays, but what it’s used to for most of human history. Like for men, it’s akind to protect & provide for.) This is my next step into understanding women.
Their answer was something like, “to take care of” / “to cosset”. I’ll keep this on a list, and I’m gonna continue asking more women this. I’ll keep you posted!

Then, in the evening, I watched the movie Hancock, and in parallel coded a little. I was coding for my dating app like thing. It’s going forwards, but not as fast as I had hoped. The movie was kinda weird. It was about this guy “Hancock” who had super powers. In the beginning, he was a drunk, but then a PR-guy comes along and helps him to get on the right track. Then it turns out, he’s a god-like creature, is married and so on. Then it got really messy and love triangle type shit (not really but a little) so yeah…
The ending wasn’t good. But it was in sorta a deadlock. Any way they would have gone, it would have been bad. So it’s whatever. Other than that, the movie wasn’t too bad.

Than, I coded some more, until not too long ago. Then I took a shower, and now I’m writing (to) you.

That’s all for today. Take care & see you tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

Hello! Today, nothing really happened. I woke up, to a mail from a student, who’s point’s I added incorrectly together – whoops… Then, I did mostly nothing.

In the afternoon, I had some fun solving Sudokus. These weren’t normal Sudokus, since those are quite boring, but some from here, with extra rules, which makes them kinda fun. Usually, I picked a Sudoku from a Cracking the Cryptic video, and then try to solve it faster than those guys. (I was usually about 5-10 minutes slower, for the ones, where it took them about half an hour.)

Late in the afternoon / early evening, I decided to go outside for a bit of sun exposure. I then lied there, listened to some music, and thought a bit about some specific problem I think about every now and then. That is: 1. We have to make a dating platform where we get a lot of data from the users. 2. with this data, we have a score of how well two given people fit together. Now the problem: How do you find the best distribution? That is, how do you make the best pairs for everyone? Or better: Make the best matches, but only match, if they are above a given threshold of “good”.
I didn’t really come up with a solution, but I believe to have remembered, that we looked at some kind of algorithm for this in the machine learning lecture. So I went back inside and looked through my notes. I couldn’t find anything though.
I then asked chat-GPT, and it turns out, there is an algorithm for the problem without the threshold. Maybe I’ll try to implement it tomorrow. Maybe I’ll even try to do it with this threshold.

Then, I saw a YouTube video, where they said, that google had some AI, which improved the 4×4 matrix multiplication algorithm. So what did I do? I implemented the old one into python – cuz why not?

Once I was done with that, I solved some more Sudokus, watched some YouTube and now I’m writing (to) you. Surprisingly, the day feels not bad at all, even though, I didn’t really do anything that useful. Which usually decides, if a day feels good. Anyway. That’s all for today. I’ll see you again tomorrow! Take care! Bye-Bye!