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My Day

Dear Diary! Today I didn’t set an alarm for the last time this week. My big-brain plan is, that: Since my sleep-schedule is trashy anyway, I get a lot of rest today because in the next three days, I have exams in the morning. This way, I might not be complete sleep deprived for the whole week, but only like the last (two) days.

Anyway, after getting up, I ate Lunch and then headed to the university to study. It was not the most efficient day, but I guess that’s fine. I still got some exercises done.

I got home at about half past 7, and cooked myself some dinner. I had a Rösti with bacon.

After that, I studied some more, and had some (shortish) YouTube breaks. It worked out pretty well, since I’m not to fund of studying anyway.

Why does studying algebra make me think about my ex?

While studying at home, I had the realization, that studying algebra makes me think about my ex. I don’t know why that is… I just wanted to tell you that. I don’t know why my mind often wanders to that, but yeah. Maybe, I’m just biased, since I often think about other things, and this is just something, I notice better(?)/ more.

It’s mostly just some random things we did together, or some memories of our vacation in Tenerife. Always some “good” memories, which then make me feel somewhat sad. But not as sad, as they used to.

Anyway. That’s all for today. I go to sleep now, (maybe study some more flashcards) and I’ll talk to you again tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today, I slept until nearly lunch. I then had the sad realization, that I can’t really eat cheese, without getting a huge stomach pain. (Because of the fondue from yesterday evening.)

After lunch, I studied for a little bit (I took a look, at my old, solved exercises). Then, I wanted to go to the gym. I changed, took my bicycle, drove there, and then I realized, I left my batch at home. To my misfortune, there were also a lot of people there, because of which, I then decided, not to go.

Volleyball

After my short bicycle round, I spent some time on YouTube, and then I already had to go to volleyball. We had the derby. First against second. Both wanting to be promoted.

Both teams, knew it going into the match. Long story short: we lost 1:3. Now to the excuses: They had a player, who usually plays 3 divisions higher.

It was still a good match tho. We won one set, which also means, that it was a good match. We even used a tactic, where one outside would come to serve for the middle-blocker, and then (since this outside is the 2nd best defensive player on the team) the libero would go in for the outside in the back-row (who’s worse at defending and serve reception). This worked quite good.

All in all, it was a fun game, we have our excuses, and most importantly: We didn’t lose because we played bad, but they just played better.

Chilling

Once I was home again, it was already late. Like 8pm. I ate dinner, and then wasted some time on YouTube. I just can’t motivate me to study more. I believe, I am able to pass the test, so we’ll see that soon. I then even started a new TV-series. One I’ve watched already. Numb3rs. It’s about a mathematician who works with the FBI, and I was wondering, how the maths in the series is.

It’s about as expected. Just some movie maths.

Sleep

That’s all for today. I’ll talk to you more tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today nothing really happened. Woke up, didn’t study (thought about it, but couldn’t motivate myself…) but watched a lot of YouTube.

One interesting thing I watched, was a video from Andrej Karpathy, about LLM’s. Basically a 3.5 hours lecture, about how these LLM’s work. Or rather, what the steps are, to create one. (Like data collection, filtering, different training stages, etc.) Sadly, it was not really technical (programing) which I hoped for, but it was interesting none-the-less.

For dinner, I had a fondue with my family. It was delicious as always.

Otherwise: My brother is ill, so I took care of him to some extend. (Just watched, that he opens his windows regularly and made sure, the air in his room isn’t too dry.)

That’s all for today. Now it’s too late again, and I’m going to sleep. I’ll see you again tomorrow. Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today was another shit day. I was really angry. Angrier than I ever was in the last year (at least). But let me explain.

Why so angry?

Yesterday evening, my brother got home from the army. He’s currently sick. So yesterday he only got home, and then went to sleep (for obvious reasons). But today at lunch, he told us about his week. (Keep in mind, he was sick for the whole week – probably a light pneumonia or a flue.)

They had the “hardest week” this week. Well that sounds bad to begin with. They had to march for way too long, then under some unlucky circumstances, he didn’t have dinner (as the only one in his platoon), and then they all had to march back. So a day, where he’s sick, had to march a lot, and no dinner.

The next morning, they told him, that he had to change platoon. This really enraged me. But why is this so enraging to me? My brother is really introverted. It even comes close to social anxiety. But then, in the military, he really tried, and even started to talk to some platoon mates of his. And now, that he finally had some friends in the platoon, he had to change it. ?????????????????

This is so fucking annoying. I can’t even put it in words.

A quick fun-fact about me: I am usually a really calm person, and have my emotions really good under control. But that. Nah. This got the better of me. Just because some stupid ass army retards had planned things terribly, my brother had to change away from his new friends??? Like HELLOO??

It was really bad. I couldn’t exactly control me. (This sounds really bad – but with me, it’s then usually verbal provocations (or abuse – if you want to go as far and call it that).) Then, my mom was in the unlucky position, and became my aim, for my misdirected anger. It was really mean what I told her. Especially, since she had a terrible week, because she knew, that my brother was sick. But then I just let it out.

Luckily, I realized when talking, that she couldn’t take it, and then I stopped. But it was really mean anyway. (My rant was about: At home we have this toxic way of talking about the military, and that you have to go to the army, in order to become a man. And for obvious reasons, my brother had a terrible week, so I told her, that this was partially her fault, for this stupid mindset in the family. Just to be clear, it’s not her – the problem for this mindset.)

After that, we shifted (somewhat) what we talked about and finished lunch.

After lunch, I wanted to go study in my room, but I couldn’t focus on studying. I was too angry. My mind just could not stay on the math things. I was just always thinking, about these fucking army retards, that made things terribly for my brother.

So in the end, I did not study today. Just couldn’t do it.

Evening

But then in the evening, my mom came to my room, because she wanted to talk about what happened at lunch. But before she could say what it was, she wanted to talk about, I said sorry, and that I didn’t mean it. That I was just angry, and that it was misdirected anger. We then made up again.

And later in the evening, my head really hurt, so I didn’t study either (and also, I don’t think, I could even really focus right now). I still watched a short video about one thing, I wanted to study today, so it was not a complete waste today.

So that’s about all that happened today. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow! (Hopefully not as angry then!) Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today was a shit day. Not necessarily because I felt bad, but I studied for about 30 minutes. As you may know, this is really stupid. I just couldn’t motivated myself.

Because of that, I moved my PC-headphones to another room, so tomorrow, I can’t even watch anything on my PC. My “big plan” is thus, that I don’t watch anything. We’ll see how it will work out tomorrow.

Planned for tomorrow is: I take a look at the two Algebra exams from the prof who I have, try to guess what kind of exercises will come in my exam, and then get some problems and solutions from chat-GPT.
I believe this will work, since it’s (somewhat) known, that this prof always makes similar exams.

Also, I went to the gym today. Josh wrote me, that he was there, so I went too. It was a good session. Moved a lot of weight. Was about the only sensible thing I did today.

Purpose in life

As I hardly did any studying today, I spent some time thinking about different things instead. One of those things was: purpose in life. Or rather, what to achieve.

First: Why did I think about that? Soon, a good friend of mine has his birthday. He (and I also soon) will become 24. And this gives me some shivers or at least some un-easy feeling. Not because of my friend, but because of me. Since I don’t feel, like I have achieved anything real as of yet.

But then I asked myself: What would something real be? Or rather: What should I even achieve?

Now these are questions, which everyone has to answer for himself, but in my case, I can give you a few reasons, and then my (current) answer.

1. What is important to me?

– Status? – No

It’s always been strange to me, how people can get so obsessed with status. Like, for what do you need it anyway? Does this “status” really get you anything, you even want? Not really. Of course, it helps if you have a “good” status, but only to get other things.

– Money? – Not really

Most of the time, I think it’s weird, for someone to be obsessed with money. For starters: Yes it’s important to have some basic amount of money, that you have food, (and a place to live) but for more, it’s not that necessary. It also corrupts people around you, so it can’t be that good.

Also, I think of money as something like “potential”. In some sense it is. It’s like 5$ are a “potential bread”, or some “potential potatoes” or something else. But as the money itself, it’s only just some potential.
So then, if someone really wants a lot of money (potential) I just think: Why? You don’t want the money, but whatever you can buy for this money. This then means, you don’t really want the money, only what you can buy with (enough) of it.
(I hope this makes sense – to me it does)

– Something materialistic? – Not really

As long as you have enough to live, it’s not really anything materialistic. I can’t really say why, but this is just so for me. I just always have been like this.

In the end, I try to figure it out for myself.

– Friends? – Mostly, yes

That feels like a hit to me.

2. So – Friends are important. Why?

I have multiple reasons. For one: If I think about the times, when I felt really happy, I was always with my friends. It’s just a fulfilling feeling(?). I can’t really put it to words, it just feels that way.

This also works the other way around. Sometimes, when I feel happy happy, I think “I’m just so happy right now”. Now – when does this feeling occur to me? (If I’m not mis-remembering it, it’s only when I’m hanging out with friends, not really doing anything, so just talking, and relaxing outside.

So in conclusion: I feel the happiest with friends, and if I feel really happy, then I’m with friends. (So in some sense, happy is somewhat equivalent to friends.)

(Just for the protocol: I include also family in the category of “friends” since in some sense, I’m also friends with my whole family.)

3. Are friends the only such thing?

I was thinking in a little bit more broad sense about it. Now for me, it’s basically only that, but I can see, that you can have the same relation with for example a pet.

But I don’t think, you can have this for something like money or status. Or at least, I can’t.

4. So what is the purpose then?

It’s not to have a lot of friends, or to have friends at all. But just to have some good connections to others.

In some sense, (for me) it’s also to have a wife and kids. (But this is a slight stretch – you know.)

On the other hand: What does this mean as a negative? I think, it’s always bad, if people hate each other. Or also such things as bullying – bad¹. Don’t hate each other.

5. Implications? What does this explain about me?

I always am a little bit paranoid, if my friends (or some of them) don’t actually like me.² This would explain why I’m paranoid about this.

This is another weird one but: To me, sex is really personal. It’s a “real”-deep connection (haha – pun) with the partner. For me personally, that’s like the hottest thing about it. Now of course – sex feels good and so on and so forth. But I feel like, the hottest thing about it, is the choosing of a partner, and she also has to choose me (and only me). So it’s like a super deep human-connection. (I think, it’s clear what I mean.)

I dislike it, if people hate each-other. It’s just sad. Most of the time, it’s anyway about anything so not-important. It’s always just a waste of time and so.
To make a better case for this, is left as an exercise for the reader!

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Good byes

In the end, I spent way more time writing today, as I initially intended. At first I only wanted to write some bullet points, but then the whole explanation started. Keep in mind, this whole thing, is a work in progress (obviously).
(I got kinda tired half-way-through, so that’s why, the answers to the questions got shorter (and worse(?)).)

Since I spent so long, I didn’t proof read it. So if you find some confusing passages: too bad. But feel free to ask questions!

But that’s all for today. I’ll talk to you more tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

1. I know, that’s an obvious one, but I believe, that like that, it’s a better formulated reason, as for why it’s bad. Not just “because it hurts my feelings”. ↩︎
2. As of now, there’s not real evidence that this might be the case. So don’t worry to much about that! ↩︎

My Day

Dear Diary! Today, I stayed at home, to study for the Algebra exam. At first, it went really good. I solved one exam, which I gotta say, was really easy. So I thought, now I am ready for the test. Then I looked at another exam, and, let me tell you, if I had this exam, I would not pass. So I have somewhat mixed feelings about my Algebra exam. My plan now is, that I stay at home tomorrow, and study some more Algebra, and then go to uni on Friday.

Volleyball

In the evening, I had volleyball practice (some coaching shenanigans). We had our last training session before the most important match of the season. So, no technique, only playing. I even played with them for the whole training. (We’ll see, how my knees will manage tomorrow…)

But sadly, today’s training was really bad. I just hope, we’ll play better on Sunday. I’ll keep you posted!

Mental State

While studying today, I figured out, that studying Algebra was making me quite depressed. (Or it makes me “feeling down”… You know.) Maybe it was just a coincidence that I was studying Algebra today, but it made me suddenly think of my ex. For obvious reasons that’s a bummer.

For one short moment, it was really bad. I nearly took a look at some pictures of us (ex and I). But then I realized, that that would probably only make it worse, and I managed to not do it.

On one other occasion, it got quite bad, so I had to distract myself with some obvious things (YouTube)…

But then, in the late afternoon it got better!

I was also thinking, if I might have some sort of light burn out, since I don’t really have that much breaks. (Or rather full day breaks – obviously I have a lot of breaks every day.) Maybe it’s also just because I don’t really see a lot of sun. It’s always foggy outside. That and the short-day combination don’t really help that much…

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Anyway. That’s it for today. I’ll talk more to you tomorrow. Until then! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today, nothing out of the ordinary happened. Basically, I woke up, headed to uni, studied there until the evening, and went home again.

Back at home, I met my mom, who was (lightly) crying, because: My brother is in the military right now, and he’s sick. But tonight, they have a night drill (outdoors) without any cell-phones. So she scared, that something might happen to him.

Eventually she got better, and then we had dinner. After dinner, I relaxed in my room for a little bit, and got really tired. So I took a nap. At first, I set a timer for 25 minutes, but then I was still really tired, so I slept for one more hour (in order to have 1 REM-phase).

After my nap I got up again, took a quick peek at some old Algebra exams, wasted some time on YouTube, watched 2 episodes of “The Mentalist” (it was a 2-parter – so I really had no choice), took a shower, and now I’m writing (to) you.

Weird Feelings

Today, while studying on my iPad, I mistakenly opened the “Messages” app. And since I don’t usually use it, I only saw one person in my messages, and as you might guess: This person was my ex.

I don’t really wanna admit it, but it made me feel quite weird. Somewhat uneasy. I can’t really describe it. I don’t even know why…

Just wanted to say this

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That’s all for today. I’ll see you tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today was a long day (or short – depending on how you look at it). I woke up, ate breakfast and headed to uni. I arrived at 10am. There, I met with a friend, and we solved AM-exams for the whole day.

I stayed until quarter to 7, and then went straight to volleyball practice. There were only 5 players, but considering this, it was a really good practice session.

After volleyball, I went home (whaaa), but since in the morning, I went straight to uni, and then straight to volleyball, I got to another train station. (Nearest to my home.) So I had to walk like 20min to the other train station, got my bicycle and then drove home.

At home, I ate a some dinner, and now I’m chilling on my pc and writing (to) you.

That’s all from me today. I am tired and am going to bed soon. Tomorrow I’ll head to uni again. Until then! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Today, not a lot happened. As for I had a chill day. I did not study today. But in the afternoon I went to the gym. It was a really good session. it felt quite good on the squad rack.

After my gym session, I went home and had a protein shake. After that, my mom asked me to help her cook dinner. I then made some sort of arrabiata. Well – my form was with ground meat in it, so it’s technically not an arrabiata, but was good none the less. My mom then made some spaghetti and this was our dinner.

After dinner, not more really happened. I went back, and watched 2 episodes of “The Mentalist” which did not happen for quite some time. It was funny, as always. I’ve also arranged to meet with a friend from uni, to study for tomorrow.

That’s about my whole day.

Seeing my Ex – Feels

For the last week or so, I was often thinking about if I was over my ex. In some sense, that means, that I’m not really, but I don’t take that as an answer just yet. So anyway, I started to think, that slowly, but yes I was over her. Then, yesterday, I saw my ex-girlfriend quickly. Now, we didn’t even have an interaction with each other. She was talking with a friend of mine, and I was walking near him.

I just looked down to her (we were on the spectator stand), and we had a short eye-to-eye contact. I don’t really know what it is, but I somehow feel, as if it was kinda weird. Now of course, I don’t know, if it was just me, or I just imagined it, but… yeah… I don’t know.

For any case, it just made me feel somewhat weird. Is this normal?

I think, I have to be more precise. Weird in what way? I guess, it just feels somewhat awkward, and then there’s just always a small “sting” in my chest… Sometimes this also happens when I think of her.
And then afterwards, I thought I was kinda strange. It felt, as if we were looking at each other, expecting some sort of reaction. But nothing really happened. (Since I was just walking by, we didn’t really see each other for some long time.)

I believe, I think way too much about this small interaction. So I guess, I can quite confidently say, that I’m not completely over her… For now, that also means, that I’m not actively looking for another partner. We’ll see how that changes in the future.

That’s all I have to say for now. I’ll see you again tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today’s morning, nothing special happened. Woke up, studied some, watched some YouTube, and ate lunch. After lunch, I finished my ODE script, which is good. So now I have one more week, where I study for all 3 exams every day, and then I’ll have my exam.

Volleyball game

After Lunch, I relaxed a bit and then I had a volleyball game. And with “I” I mean my team and I as a coach. Since, currently we are first in our group, and our opponents were 2nd last, we randomized who played what position. In the end, we always had rotation one, and everyone played every role.

We still won 3:0, but it was closer than I expected. The closest set was to like 25:21.

After our game, we watched the game of the clubs best women-team, and then we took a shower. We showered for like 30-45 minutes. One of my players has this big music box, with which we played our music and “danced” under the shower. It’s always fun – mhm.

After showering, we hung around for a little while in the gym, where I met a lot of people who were in my high-school-class. So that was kinda neat. I obviously talked with them for a little bit, but nothing special to “report” here.

Drinking outside – cold

After all that, 3 of my players (Daniel included) and I went out, to have a few drinks. And by going “out” I mean, outside. (It was freezing… like 1°C – RIP.) We bought one large pizza, a few smirnof, and one bottle of hard alcohol.

We then went to the “ducklings-park”, ate some pizza, and had a drink together. We even played the APT drinking game. (Or rater some variation of it.) Since we had to place out hands on a stack, and then the “leader” calls out a number, it’s not that complicated, to understand how it works. Once we understood it, we used it to “snipe”, whoever has to take the next shot. Shortly after that, we stopped playing that.

On a separate unrelated note: I realized, we often talk about females. But not in the way of “ohh – she’s so hot” more like in the way of “what’s your type” or “you should slide in her dm’s” or some things like this. Which I guess is kinda normal(?), but still: it’s quite suspicious how often that happens.

Back home again

About 2 hours later, we went home. I was already shivering. We took the train home, and I arrived at home at about 00:10. I then spent some time on YouTube and now I’m super tired, and am writing (to) you, my Diary.

So that’s all for today. I’ll see you tomorrow! Bye-Bye!