Blog

Today, is only short bullet points. Don’t really feel like writing a lot. Am tired, hungry, and it’s already way too late.

My Day

chilling in tha morning

volleyball in afternoon – easy 3:0 W

After dinner, I was chilling for some more, and then I “planed” my next semester. I still am not 100% sure what I’ll take, but mostly I’m done. That is:
– Deep learning (as the only comp-sci lecture)
– measure theory
– probability theory
– complex analysis
– ?one more, which I don’t know yet?

Also in the evening, I watched the twitch-stream of Spammiej (Trackmania) who is a “retired” pro player, but then qualified for the top 8 of the biggest ever tournament in Trackmania. The “Red Bull Faster”-tournament. It was like a super close fight, and I got really invested. It was really fun when he really did it! That was super uplifting.
(Sadly) This was the only time today, where I was really happy… Like, winning in volleyball was nice too, but it didn’t really feel like that. This was just more(?).

Feelings

Saw my ex at volleyball. Didn’t talk to her, had sometimes a somewhat awkward eye-contact. But it didn’t feel as weird to me, as it used to. (Like, no feeling in my stomach, just sort of weird.)
I guess, that counts as progress.

Feeling Empty – Happy & Sad the Same?

While walking back from the gym (after volleyball) I felt like empty inside. Strangely enough, it felt somewhat like when I’m (truly) happy, but except the happy part. Like just a state of feeling. It just felt like more real. Can’t really describe it in words.
(This sorta reminded me of the tao – which in this context would be the intense feeling instead of the “feel” itself. At least, that’s what I thought…)

Music Taste Changes

On a separate unrelated note: I started to listen to “love songs” again lately. (For example: emiliana – CKay; I see th elights – tangled; calm down – Rema; …) Make of that what you will, but I thought, I’d mention iz.

Shower Thoughts

While showering I miss cuddling (somewhat) like the Laying in bed, the warmth of the other person, and the soft touches and so on… Maybe because I’m getting a fever, and am somewhat cold. Or maybe I’m just feeling (a bit) lonely.

Also in the shower, I started to think about quitting volleyball. It’s like, the fire is not really burning no more. I don’t know tho. Maybe I’m just getting sick or it’s because I’m hungry(?).

My Day

Dear Diary! Today was my “chill”-day. I did not do anything. I spent the whole day today relaxing and watching some stuff on my PC. Daniel and another friend asked me, if I wanted to go watch a volleyball game with them, but I declined. Other than that, not really a lot happened.

My brother cooked dinner, so then we had Fajitas. It was really good.
(I forgot if I already mentioned this, but he quit the army, so he can stay at home for now. Well, technically he’s still sick with a doctors note, but yeah.)

I also had the realization, that I watched quite a lot of “random”-interesting videos on YouTube.
One other niche thing I watched a lot was about nature preservation. I don’t know why this fascinates me so much. I also found out, that I find it really sad, how nature is treated. Like for example, that a lot of animals were hunted and are now close to extinction. (For example, bisons – both in north America and Europe; hammer sharks; and so on)

That’s basically all for today. I’ll see you again tomorrow. Bye-Bye!

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P.S. I forgot to mention. I also thought a bit about a thing, a friend told me. That is: He had a girlfriend like 4 years ago, broke up with her, and now has a new girlfriend (for about 2 years now). We were talking about, if I’m looking out for a new girlfriend, and then it came up, that he’s not really over this old relationship. Now for me that was a shocker. Isn’t it “normal” (or at least better looked at) that you first get over your last partner and then search a new partner?

At least in my head it is like this. If you know that, write a comment!

Anyway, he told me, that some day I’d wake up, and then I feel like getting a girlfriend. And I do trust him. Just sayin!

Now that’s all. Cya!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today, was my holiday for this semester. It already starts on Monday. yay… So for today: I slept until like 10am. I then woke up, and also got up, since I didn’t really feel like sleeping no more.

I then had a small breakfast, and spent some time on YouTube until lunch. After lunch, I met Daniel, and we went to a sauna together. We went to a local one. Funnily enough, we said, that we’d go multiple times this fall/winter, but this was the first time.

We stayed there from like 2pm to 5pm. Then we went to some restaurant which was recommended to us by a common friend. We felt a little crazy so we ordered a “Pizza Americana” which is a pizza with sausage and fries. Now, the pizza was good, but we can’t really compare it to other pizza-places. So I guess we’ll go there again somewhat soon.

Since Daniel is the volleyball coach from the U18 team, and they had practice this evening, I too went along with him there. (Since I’m Daniels coach.) So I helped to train them.

After this practice, we walked to the train station. During that, a car honked at us, and waved. We didn’t recognize who it was, but we think it was someone from our mixed team. I’ll tell you, once I figure it out.

Then we took the train home. At home I spent some more time on YouTube, and now I’m writing (to) you.

That’s my whole day. Just some chilling – yeah! I’ll talk to you again tomorrow! Until then – Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today was my last exam-day. With my “bad”-luck, the exam was at 8am. So that means, I had to go on the train at like 7:15 and therefore get up at like 6:30 (since I don’t want to be tired for the exam, and need some wake-up time).

So I got up, went to my uni, and wrote my exam. I was even so early, that the store, where I usually buy my breakfast, hadn’t opened yet. So I just had a strawberry for breakfast (and a glass of chocolate-milk).

The exam didn’t really go according to plan. To be honest: I expect like a 3 which would be a fail. But to play devils-advocate (my-advocate) the exam was longer than usual (6 instead of 4-5 questions) and the questions were harder than usual. (“harder than usual is easy to sad, but Yesterday evening I solved the exam of last year, and I didn’t really have any problem solving it. But today was hard hard. Like some “hard” integrals…)

Then, after the exam I quickly talked with my friends, and we found out, that in the exercise, where we had to find the eignvalues of a 3×3 matrix, all of us had different results.
Other than that, I don’t really know, if I answered the exam-questions correctly, but yeah. We’ll see, once I get my grade. (I don’t expect good.)

I then went home. At home, I relaxed. (Basically most of the day.) In the afternoon I went to the gym with Jan. We mostly did different exercise, but in the end, we did sitting bicep curls together. Together, it’s always fun. Currently I’m stronger than him. (His max is like 4.5 bad my max is 10 – however unimportant that may be.)

After the gym, I went home, and spent some time on Twitch, since I wanted to re-watch a VOD of Spammiej. During my rewatch, I (nearly) fell asleep for like one hour, since I was really tired, and this wasn’t exactly the most interesting thing to watch.

Then, when I “got up” from a nap, while watching Twitch, I took a look at my phone, and it was like 5pm, and my friends wrote, that we’ll meet at 6pm. So I took a shower, and got ready to leave.

My friends and I went to the local Pub, and had a few drinks. (The “excuse” was, that we drink, since my exams are over.) While there, we talked about a few things. Mainly:
– We secured a date for Pete
– Visas (specifically England, since Brexit)
– A lot about the female we “secured” for Pete (and how he should “behave” on his date)
– I told them, that I have my diary online, but didn’t tell them the URL.
and so on. So just like a normal evening in the local Pub.

I got home at like midnight. Then I ate some bread with olive-oil and salt. (This is really good. Put some olive-oil on a plate, some salt in it and then dip the bread in it. Tastes really good.) Once I was done with that, I brushed my teeth, and now I’m writing (to) you!

So that’s all for today. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today was another exam-day. This means, I got up, freshened myself up, and went to uni. I had my exam.

I believe, it went pretty good. One funny little tangent for that: The exam started at 10:30am and we had 1.5h time. I was writing the whole time, and then I once take a look at the clock, and I see, 11:25ish. I think:” Oh shit. Only 5 minutes left.” At this time, I only had one part of an exercise left. So I quickly wrote that down, and then I made my sheets of paper ready, to hand in. Then I take a look at the front, and I see written on the black-board: “End: 12:01”.
So I was 30 min too early done. Apparently, I can’t calculate 10:30 + 1.5h in my head. What a time to be a math student!

Lots of people weren’t really happy with the exam. And I gotta say, I kinda agree with them. The professor told us, there would be a proof from the lectures, one exercise similar to the ones we solved, and one new exercise. But none of these were in the exam. Also, they gave us a sheet, with “recommended topics”. Funnily enough, the exam had things in it, with topics not on that sheet. So that’s some not-so-funny shenanigans of him…

After the exam, we had lunch. I had some Polenta with meatballs and a mustard sauce. It was really good. Then, we had the usual geoguessr game. We played for 3 rounds, and I think I’m improving slowly. Out of the three rounds, I was last only twice. The “outlier”-run I was 3rd (out of like 10). I guess, it was my lucky day!

In the afternoon, I spent some time with my new friends there, and we studied for the ODE exam tomorrow. Today I went home earlier (that is at like 4:30pm) because I was too tired, and we didn’t really study that efficient. Who could have expected that?!

At home, I spent some time to relax until dinner. Once, I took a quick look outside my window, and then I saw the full moon staring at me. Right through a hole in the clouds. It was fancy looking. I tried to take a picture of it, but of course, with my phone, this didn’t really turn out good.

For dinner we had some rice with a tomato-like sauce. After dinner, I watched some more YouTube, and then I went back to studying. I solved one equation of each type, so I’m ready for tomorrow.

In between my studying, my brother came to my room to ask, if he should quit the army and do some “civi-service” instead. Since he could stay home the whole week (because of sick – doctors note) they asked him, if he wants to continue. So now, he will continue for (I think) at least three weeks. But he doesn’t really cares anymore, if they want to keep him or not, so he can just start a lot of tomfoolery.
He wasn’t really sure with any decision, since both options suck. In the military, he’s no longer with the same platoon, and the “civil-service” takes 1.5 times the amount of time. So it’s basically the choice between Pest and Cholera.

Anyway. After some studying, I also did one old exam, then I showered, and now I’m writing (to) you. That’s all for today. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today I had my first exam. It was about Algebra. I think, it went pretty good (don’t want to jinx it tho). I expect like a 5. Funnily enough, I had bloating during the exam, so I ended up, handing it in earlier to go to the toilet.

Anyway. After that, I had lunch, and then spent the rest of the day in university studying. Well “studying”… I was there with a few mates, and we didn’t study as much, but talked a lot. So maybe a 50/50 split.
I quickly have to say, today was the first day, after which I’d say, that my “mates” from uni are friends of mine. So that’s some progress. Super cool!

Then I went home for dinner. Shortly after dinner, I got really tired and got ready for a nap. But as always, once I was in my bed, I wasn’t really tired no more – so I did not take a nap. After that, I spent some time on YouTube, and studied some more. Once I was done with that, I took a shower, and now I’m writing (to) you.

Getting sick?

I feel like, I’m getting sick, so I make a prediction now. I believe, that I’ll have a fever on Thursday. Right in time for the last exam.

Well – break a leg! I surely won’t get sick. mhm.

Anyway, that’s all for today. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today I didn’t set an alarm for the last time this week. My big-brain plan is, that: Since my sleep-schedule is trashy anyway, I get a lot of rest today because in the next three days, I have exams in the morning. This way, I might not be complete sleep deprived for the whole week, but only like the last (two) days.

Anyway, after getting up, I ate Lunch and then headed to the university to study. It was not the most efficient day, but I guess that’s fine. I still got some exercises done.

I got home at about half past 7, and cooked myself some dinner. I had a Rösti with bacon.

After that, I studied some more, and had some (shortish) YouTube breaks. It worked out pretty well, since I’m not to fund of studying anyway.

Why does studying algebra make me think about my ex?

While studying at home, I had the realization, that studying algebra makes me think about my ex. I don’t know why that is… I just wanted to tell you that. I don’t know why my mind often wanders to that, but yeah. Maybe, I’m just biased, since I often think about other things, and this is just something, I notice better(?)/ more.

It’s mostly just some random things we did together, or some memories of our vacation in Tenerife. Always some “good” memories, which then make me feel somewhat sad. But not as sad, as they used to.

Anyway. That’s all for today. I go to sleep now, (maybe study some more flashcards) and I’ll talk to you again tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today, I slept until nearly lunch. I then had the sad realization, that I can’t really eat cheese, without getting a huge stomach pain. (Because of the fondue from yesterday evening.)

After lunch, I studied for a little bit (I took a look, at my old, solved exercises). Then, I wanted to go to the gym. I changed, took my bicycle, drove there, and then I realized, I left my batch at home. To my misfortune, there were also a lot of people there, because of which, I then decided, not to go.

Volleyball

After my short bicycle round, I spent some time on YouTube, and then I already had to go to volleyball. We had the derby. First against second. Both wanting to be promoted.

Both teams, knew it going into the match. Long story short: we lost 1:3. Now to the excuses: They had a player, who usually plays 3 divisions higher.

It was still a good match tho. We won one set, which also means, that it was a good match. We even used a tactic, where one outside would come to serve for the middle-blocker, and then (since this outside is the 2nd best defensive player on the team) the libero would go in for the outside in the back-row (who’s worse at defending and serve reception). This worked quite good.

All in all, it was a fun game, we have our excuses, and most importantly: We didn’t lose because we played bad, but they just played better.

Chilling

Once I was home again, it was already late. Like 8pm. I ate dinner, and then wasted some time on YouTube. I just can’t motivate me to study more. I believe, I am able to pass the test, so we’ll see that soon. I then even started a new TV-series. One I’ve watched already. Numb3rs. It’s about a mathematician who works with the FBI, and I was wondering, how the maths in the series is.

It’s about as expected. Just some movie maths.

Sleep

That’s all for today. I’ll talk to you more tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today nothing really happened. Woke up, didn’t study (thought about it, but couldn’t motivate myself…) but watched a lot of YouTube.

One interesting thing I watched, was a video from Andrej Karpathy, about LLM’s. Basically a 3.5 hours lecture, about how these LLM’s work. Or rather, what the steps are, to create one. (Like data collection, filtering, different training stages, etc.) Sadly, it was not really technical (programing) which I hoped for, but it was interesting none-the-less.

For dinner, I had a fondue with my family. It was delicious as always.

Otherwise: My brother is ill, so I took care of him to some extend. (Just watched, that he opens his windows regularly and made sure, the air in his room isn’t too dry.)

That’s all for today. Now it’s too late again, and I’m going to sleep. I’ll see you again tomorrow. Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today was another shit day. I was really angry. Angrier than I ever was in the last year (at least). But let me explain.

Why so angry?

Yesterday evening, my brother got home from the army. He’s currently sick. So yesterday he only got home, and then went to sleep (for obvious reasons). But today at lunch, he told us about his week. (Keep in mind, he was sick for the whole week – probably a light pneumonia or a flue.)

They had the “hardest week” this week. Well that sounds bad to begin with. They had to march for way too long, then under some unlucky circumstances, he didn’t have dinner (as the only one in his platoon), and then they all had to march back. So a day, where he’s sick, had to march a lot, and no dinner.

The next morning, they told him, that he had to change platoon. This really enraged me. But why is this so enraging to me? My brother is really introverted. It even comes close to social anxiety. But then, in the military, he really tried, and even started to talk to some platoon mates of his. And now, that he finally had some friends in the platoon, he had to change it. ?????????????????

This is so fucking annoying. I can’t even put it in words.

A quick fun-fact about me: I am usually a really calm person, and have my emotions really good under control. But that. Nah. This got the better of me. Just because some stupid ass army retards had planned things terribly, my brother had to change away from his new friends??? Like HELLOO??

It was really bad. I couldn’t exactly control me. (This sounds really bad – but with me, it’s then usually verbal provocations (or abuse – if you want to go as far and call it that).) Then, my mom was in the unlucky position, and became my aim, for my misdirected anger. It was really mean what I told her. Especially, since she had a terrible week, because she knew, that my brother was sick. But then I just let it out.

Luckily, I realized when talking, that she couldn’t take it, and then I stopped. But it was really mean anyway. (My rant was about: At home we have this toxic way of talking about the military, and that you have to go to the army, in order to become a man. And for obvious reasons, my brother had a terrible week, so I told her, that this was partially her fault, for this stupid mindset in the family. Just to be clear, it’s not her – the problem for this mindset.)

After that, we shifted (somewhat) what we talked about and finished lunch.

After lunch, I wanted to go study in my room, but I couldn’t focus on studying. I was too angry. My mind just could not stay on the math things. I was just always thinking, about these fucking army retards, that made things terribly for my brother.

So in the end, I did not study today. Just couldn’t do it.

Evening

But then in the evening, my mom came to my room, because she wanted to talk about what happened at lunch. But before she could say what it was, she wanted to talk about, I said sorry, and that I didn’t mean it. That I was just angry, and that it was misdirected anger. We then made up again.

And later in the evening, my head really hurt, so I didn’t study either (and also, I don’t think, I could even really focus right now). I still watched a short video about one thing, I wanted to study today, so it was not a complete waste today.

So that’s about all that happened today. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow! (Hopefully not as angry then!) Bye-Bye!