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My Day

Dear Diary! Today was a shit day. Not necessarily because I felt bad, but I studied for about 30 minutes. As you may know, this is really stupid. I just couldn’t motivated myself.

Because of that, I moved my PC-headphones to another room, so tomorrow, I can’t even watch anything on my PC. My “big plan” is thus, that I don’t watch anything. We’ll see how it will work out tomorrow.

Planned for tomorrow is: I take a look at the two Algebra exams from the prof who I have, try to guess what kind of exercises will come in my exam, and then get some problems and solutions from chat-GPT.
I believe this will work, since it’s (somewhat) known, that this prof always makes similar exams.

Also, I went to the gym today. Josh wrote me, that he was there, so I went too. It was a good session. Moved a lot of weight. Was about the only sensible thing I did today.

Purpose in life

As I hardly did any studying today, I spent some time thinking about different things instead. One of those things was: purpose in life. Or rather, what to achieve.

First: Why did I think about that? Soon, a good friend of mine has his birthday. He (and I also soon) will become 24. And this gives me some shivers or at least some un-easy feeling. Not because of my friend, but because of me. Since I don’t feel, like I have achieved anything real as of yet.

But then I asked myself: What would something real be? Or rather: What should I even achieve?

Now these are questions, which everyone has to answer for himself, but in my case, I can give you a few reasons, and then my (current) answer.

1. What is important to me?

– Status? – No

It’s always been strange to me, how people can get so obsessed with status. Like, for what do you need it anyway? Does this “status” really get you anything, you even want? Not really. Of course, it helps if you have a “good” status, but only to get other things.

– Money? – Not really

Most of the time, I think it’s weird, for someone to be obsessed with money. For starters: Yes it’s important to have some basic amount of money, that you have food, (and a place to live) but for more, it’s not that necessary. It also corrupts people around you, so it can’t be that good.

Also, I think of money as something like “potential”. In some sense it is. It’s like 5$ are a “potential bread”, or some “potential potatoes” or something else. But as the money itself, it’s only just some potential.
So then, if someone really wants a lot of money (potential) I just think: Why? You don’t want the money, but whatever you can buy for this money. This then means, you don’t really want the money, only what you can buy with (enough) of it.
(I hope this makes sense – to me it does)

– Something materialistic? – Not really

As long as you have enough to live, it’s not really anything materialistic. I can’t really say why, but this is just so for me. I just always have been like this.

In the end, I try to figure it out for myself.

– Friends? – Mostly, yes

That feels like a hit to me.

2. So – Friends are important. Why?

I have multiple reasons. For one: If I think about the times, when I felt really happy, I was always with my friends. It’s just a fulfilling feeling(?). I can’t really put it to words, it just feels that way.

This also works the other way around. Sometimes, when I feel happy happy, I think “I’m just so happy right now”. Now – when does this feeling occur to me? (If I’m not mis-remembering it, it’s only when I’m hanging out with friends, not really doing anything, so just talking, and relaxing outside.

So in conclusion: I feel the happiest with friends, and if I feel really happy, then I’m with friends. (So in some sense, happy is somewhat equivalent to friends.)

(Just for the protocol: I include also family in the category of “friends” since in some sense, I’m also friends with my whole family.)

3. Are friends the only such thing?

I was thinking in a little bit more broad sense about it. Now for me, it’s basically only that, but I can see, that you can have the same relation with for example a pet.

But I don’t think, you can have this for something like money or status. Or at least, I can’t.

4. So what is the purpose then?

It’s not to have a lot of friends, or to have friends at all. But just to have some good connections to others.

In some sense, (for me) it’s also to have a wife and kids. (But this is a slight stretch – you know.)

On the other hand: What does this mean as a negative? I think, it’s always bad, if people hate each other. Or also such things as bullying – bad¹. Don’t hate each other.

5. Implications? What does this explain about me?

I always am a little bit paranoid, if my friends (or some of them) don’t actually like me.² This would explain why I’m paranoid about this.

This is another weird one but: To me, sex is really personal. It’s a “real”-deep connection (haha – pun) with the partner. For me personally, that’s like the hottest thing about it. Now of course – sex feels good and so on and so forth. But I feel like, the hottest thing about it, is the choosing of a partner, and she also has to choose me (and only me). So it’s like a super deep human-connection. (I think, it’s clear what I mean.)

I dislike it, if people hate each-other. It’s just sad. Most of the time, it’s anyway about anything so not-important. It’s always just a waste of time and so.
To make a better case for this, is left as an exercise for the reader!

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Good byes

In the end, I spent way more time writing today, as I initially intended. At first I only wanted to write some bullet points, but then the whole explanation started. Keep in mind, this whole thing, is a work in progress (obviously).
(I got kinda tired half-way-through, so that’s why, the answers to the questions got shorter (and worse(?)).)

Since I spent so long, I didn’t proof read it. So if you find some confusing passages: too bad. But feel free to ask questions!

But that’s all for today. I’ll talk to you more tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

1. I know, that’s an obvious one, but I believe, that like that, it’s a better formulated reason, as for why it’s bad. Not just “because it hurts my feelings”. ↩︎
2. As of now, there’s not real evidence that this might be the case. So don’t worry to much about that! ↩︎

My Day

Dear Diary! Today, I stayed at home, to study for the Algebra exam. At first, it went really good. I solved one exam, which I gotta say, was really easy. So I thought, now I am ready for the test. Then I looked at another exam, and, let me tell you, if I had this exam, I would not pass. So I have somewhat mixed feelings about my Algebra exam. My plan now is, that I stay at home tomorrow, and study some more Algebra, and then go to uni on Friday.

Volleyball

In the evening, I had volleyball practice (some coaching shenanigans). We had our last training session before the most important match of the season. So, no technique, only playing. I even played with them for the whole training. (We’ll see, how my knees will manage tomorrow…)

But sadly, today’s training was really bad. I just hope, we’ll play better on Sunday. I’ll keep you posted!

Mental State

While studying today, I figured out, that studying Algebra was making me quite depressed. (Or it makes me “feeling down”… You know.) Maybe it was just a coincidence that I was studying Algebra today, but it made me suddenly think of my ex. For obvious reasons that’s a bummer.

For one short moment, it was really bad. I nearly took a look at some pictures of us (ex and I). But then I realized, that that would probably only make it worse, and I managed to not do it.

On one other occasion, it got quite bad, so I had to distract myself with some obvious things (YouTube)…

But then, in the late afternoon it got better!

I was also thinking, if I might have some sort of light burn out, since I don’t really have that much breaks. (Or rather full day breaks – obviously I have a lot of breaks every day.) Maybe it’s also just because I don’t really see a lot of sun. It’s always foggy outside. That and the short-day combination don’t really help that much…

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Anyway. That’s it for today. I’ll talk more to you tomorrow. Until then! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today, nothing out of the ordinary happened. Basically, I woke up, headed to uni, studied there until the evening, and went home again.

Back at home, I met my mom, who was (lightly) crying, because: My brother is in the military right now, and he’s sick. But tonight, they have a night drill (outdoors) without any cell-phones. So she scared, that something might happen to him.

Eventually she got better, and then we had dinner. After dinner, I relaxed in my room for a little bit, and got really tired. So I took a nap. At first, I set a timer for 25 minutes, but then I was still really tired, so I slept for one more hour (in order to have 1 REM-phase).

After my nap I got up again, took a quick peek at some old Algebra exams, wasted some time on YouTube, watched 2 episodes of “The Mentalist” (it was a 2-parter – so I really had no choice), took a shower, and now I’m writing (to) you.

Weird Feelings

Today, while studying on my iPad, I mistakenly opened the “Messages” app. And since I don’t usually use it, I only saw one person in my messages, and as you might guess: This person was my ex.

I don’t really wanna admit it, but it made me feel quite weird. Somewhat uneasy. I can’t really describe it. I don’t even know why…

Just wanted to say this

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That’s all for today. I’ll see you tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today was a long day (or short – depending on how you look at it). I woke up, ate breakfast and headed to uni. I arrived at 10am. There, I met with a friend, and we solved AM-exams for the whole day.

I stayed until quarter to 7, and then went straight to volleyball practice. There were only 5 players, but considering this, it was a really good practice session.

After volleyball, I went home (whaaa), but since in the morning, I went straight to uni, and then straight to volleyball, I got to another train station. (Nearest to my home.) So I had to walk like 20min to the other train station, got my bicycle and then drove home.

At home, I ate a some dinner, and now I’m chilling on my pc and writing (to) you.

That’s all from me today. I am tired and am going to bed soon. Tomorrow I’ll head to uni again. Until then! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Today, not a lot happened. As for I had a chill day. I did not study today. But in the afternoon I went to the gym. It was a really good session. it felt quite good on the squad rack.

After my gym session, I went home and had a protein shake. After that, my mom asked me to help her cook dinner. I then made some sort of arrabiata. Well – my form was with ground meat in it, so it’s technically not an arrabiata, but was good none the less. My mom then made some spaghetti and this was our dinner.

After dinner, not more really happened. I went back, and watched 2 episodes of “The Mentalist” which did not happen for quite some time. It was funny, as always. I’ve also arranged to meet with a friend from uni, to study for tomorrow.

That’s about my whole day.

Seeing my Ex – Feels

For the last week or so, I was often thinking about if I was over my ex. In some sense, that means, that I’m not really, but I don’t take that as an answer just yet. So anyway, I started to think, that slowly, but yes I was over her. Then, yesterday, I saw my ex-girlfriend quickly. Now, we didn’t even have an interaction with each other. She was talking with a friend of mine, and I was walking near him.

I just looked down to her (we were on the spectator stand), and we had a short eye-to-eye contact. I don’t really know what it is, but I somehow feel, as if it was kinda weird. Now of course, I don’t know, if it was just me, or I just imagined it, but… yeah… I don’t know.

For any case, it just made me feel somewhat weird. Is this normal?

I think, I have to be more precise. Weird in what way? I guess, it just feels somewhat awkward, and then there’s just always a small “sting” in my chest… Sometimes this also happens when I think of her.
And then afterwards, I thought I was kinda strange. It felt, as if we were looking at each other, expecting some sort of reaction. But nothing really happened. (Since I was just walking by, we didn’t really see each other for some long time.)

I believe, I think way too much about this small interaction. So I guess, I can quite confidently say, that I’m not completely over her… For now, that also means, that I’m not actively looking for another partner. We’ll see how that changes in the future.

That’s all I have to say for now. I’ll see you again tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today’s morning, nothing special happened. Woke up, studied some, watched some YouTube, and ate lunch. After lunch, I finished my ODE script, which is good. So now I have one more week, where I study for all 3 exams every day, and then I’ll have my exam.

Volleyball game

After Lunch, I relaxed a bit and then I had a volleyball game. And with “I” I mean my team and I as a coach. Since, currently we are first in our group, and our opponents were 2nd last, we randomized who played what position. In the end, we always had rotation one, and everyone played every role.

We still won 3:0, but it was closer than I expected. The closest set was to like 25:21.

After our game, we watched the game of the clubs best women-team, and then we took a shower. We showered for like 30-45 minutes. One of my players has this big music box, with which we played our music and “danced” under the shower. It’s always fun – mhm.

After showering, we hung around for a little while in the gym, where I met a lot of people who were in my high-school-class. So that was kinda neat. I obviously talked with them for a little bit, but nothing special to “report” here.

Drinking outside – cold

After all that, 3 of my players (Daniel included) and I went out, to have a few drinks. And by going “out” I mean, outside. (It was freezing… like 1°C – RIP.) We bought one large pizza, a few smirnof, and one bottle of hard alcohol.

We then went to the “ducklings-park”, ate some pizza, and had a drink together. We even played the APT drinking game. (Or rater some variation of it.) Since we had to place out hands on a stack, and then the “leader” calls out a number, it’s not that complicated, to understand how it works. Once we understood it, we used it to “snipe”, whoever has to take the next shot. Shortly after that, we stopped playing that.

On a separate unrelated note: I realized, we often talk about females. But not in the way of “ohh – she’s so hot” more like in the way of “what’s your type” or “you should slide in her dm’s” or some things like this. Which I guess is kinda normal(?), but still: it’s quite suspicious how often that happens.

Back home again

About 2 hours later, we went home. I was already shivering. We took the train home, and I arrived at home at about 00:10. I then spent some time on YouTube and now I’m super tired, and am writing (to) you, my Diary.

So that’s all for today. I’ll see you tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Today was another day, on which not a lot has happened. I did basically the same as yesterday. Study and watch YouTube.

Yesterday, I told you, that I would not open YouTube until I did all the things on this list. And now, it’s judgement day. I did not exactly do, what I told, I’d do… BUT I did most things (missed 4/10). And over the whole day, I did even more (missed only 1/10). I even read some more ODE lectures, so now I only have to do one more lecture, and then I’m done. How exciting!

In the evening, my brother came back from the army, and he told us some funny stories about this week. He also showed me a kind of bondage, you use, when you lose a lot of blood. (For example after losing a leg.) And by “showing me”, I mean, he put it on me. And I gotta say, it’s not really comfortable (WHAAAA?!).

Otherwise, not a lot happened today.

1 Monthary

Today, is the last of January, which means, that now, I’ve written my diary for a whole month. So it’s a little reflection time:

How do I feel about it?

I pretty much like it. Through this daily “what happened today” moment in the evening, I realized, that I do more than I expected. Obviously, this week, was not so much the case, since I pretty much only studied but the other weeks were not really like that.

I feel like, this also motivates me a little, to do more things, which also cannot be too bad.

I also think a lot, that after this year, I’m gonna get it printed. So I’d have a print version of my diary, which would be kinda nice.

Also, I’m often surprised about how much I can write. Nearly everyday I think: “Do I even have things to say about today?”, but then, I can write so much. (Which makes sense in a way, since I also talk quite a lot haha) But yeah, I like it!

What’s the worst part about it?

It takes more time than I expected. Usually it takes 30-45 minutes to write one entry. Usually, I proof-read it, so this then takes some time. But lately, I’ve been doing this less. The reason for that being, that I feel like my texts have gotten better -> less proof-reading needed, and sometimes I also am just lazy.

A second point is also, I don’t particularly like the design of the blog. But I’ve told you already about that. I think, I’ll change it (or at least some part), once I’m done with my exams.

And a third but last thing is: I don’t think, it’s very interesting to read. As well, it’s not really that easy to approach, especially nowadays since there aren’t as much pictures, AND more importantly, it’s just a lot of text. Who reads this nowadays?
I don’t know exactly how I can “fix” this, or even, if it can be “fixed”… But we’ll see. I’ve recently installed the site-kit by Google, which tracks the traffic of the webpage. I wonder already, if any, or how much traffic I get.

Bed

That’s all for today. I’ll see you tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today was no special day either. I spent too much time on YouTube, and some time studying. I also had the realization, that the easier I find my math thingies, the less pressure I feel to actually study.

Upsides: I study when I feel some pressure, or am not that confident.
Downside: I don’t study as much as I should.

My problem is, I don’t really know how to change this right now. Writing that, I have an idea. Tomorrow, before I “can” open YouTube (or any such site) I must do the following things:
– go over all AM exercises
– go over all Algebra exercises
– solve at least one ODE of each category:
– separation of variable,
– y’=f(ax+by+c), y’=f(y/x),
– exact ODE,
– Bernoulli ODE,
– in-homogeneous first order,
– in-homogeneous n-th order
– study ODE definitions for at least 30 min

I think this should be enough. I’ll tell you tomorrow, how it went.

Talking about Religion with Mom and Sister

This evening, after dinner, my mom, sister and I had an interesting talk about religion. As mentioned before, my mom is pretty religious, but my sister and I aren’t as much.

I don’t remember how it started, but the main points were:
1. My sister and I, didn’t really like it, when we were forced to go to church when we were little (children -> ~15 years old). One of the reason being, we had “children church” and there we had to state, where we’ve seen/ felt God this week. But the problem being, my sister and I didn’t really focus on that, so we didn’t feel any. BUT we still had to tell a story, where we had had an interaction with God.
2. It was always a little weird, and we felt kinda out of place…
3. (This was practically only for my sister) She doesn’t like it, when you put your boundaries on her. But she’s OK with setting her own. So in church, when people tell her, that God is the truth, she really gets annoyed.
4. My sister and I, think the way our parents practice religion, is basically the best way. Because they really accept it, if you don’t want to be invested, and also, the second, and more important thing: They’re doing things out of good heart and happen to be Christians, instead of doing things, because they’re Christians. Like for example, foster children.

and so on.

While talking about it, (or later thinking about it) I realized about myself, that I dislike, if it gets heated. Which I thought was strange, since for a long time, I did exactly that. Always have unnecessary debates, and really enjoy, if the other person or both get worked up.

Another thing was: The talking was mostly between my sister and mom, and I listened, so I played their lawyer. (For both sides.) And my sister told me, that I make good analogies and that I was a good lawyer.

Gym

Some time later, I got back to studying, and then I went to the gym. For the first time this week. I wasn’t really motivated, but still went. And in the end – wouldn’t you know it – once I was back home, I felt better. WHAAA??

In the gym, I had a relaxed session. Also, I tried warmup sets for the first time. I don’t really know, how it works yet, but I think it’s kinda effective. Probably because you have more reps like that. (Bro-science alert!) Who knows… I’ll tell you tomorrow, if anything feels especially different.

back home again, I had my second dinner (curry rice) then studied a little, watched a little more YouTube, took a shower and now I’m writing (to) you. Way too late in the night. It’s already 3:30am and it really annoys me, that I can’t get my sleeping-schedule under control, but what can you do…

That’s it for today. I’ll see you tomorrow! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today was not that eventful either. Over the whole day, I spent most of my time studying or watching YouTube. It was kind of weird. Technically, I did not spend that much time studying, but I feel like, I learned a lot today. I was revisiting my ODE’s lectures, and thought about them for some time. And I gotta say, it all makes sense.

Talking way too much about Math

My first big realization was: I asked myself, how I would plan such a script, and then I compared it, to how the professor did it. And it pretty much overlaps. Look: First you get “elementary methods to solve ODE’s” in order to get a feeling for ODE’s. Then we proved, that they exist, they are unique (under certain conditions) and that the solution depends continuously. That means, if for example, your measurement is a little off, your solution is also only a little off.

Then, once that is done, we go from 1 dimension to multiple. Which also makes sense. Most of the theorems in the 1 dimensional section, are quite similar to the n-dimensional section. Then we look at how to solve these n-dimensional ODE’s.

And for the last section, we look at ODE’s with weird conditions. That would be, “boundary problems”. The difference here is, that in a usual ODE, you have a initial value for each derivative, but for the boundary problems, you have multiple for the same derivative. For example:
– Normal problem: y is the function of your place, then y’ is your speed, y” your acceleration. And then you are given: “You start at 10, move with 5 speed, and accelerate with +2 speed per time”. This is uniquely solvable (for your position i.e. y).
– boundary value problem: same function as above, but “you start with a speed of 2, and after 10 seconds you have a speed of 2.” This is not (necessarily) uniquely solvable.

Back to my Day

Anyway. Most of the afternoon, I studied, solved some exercises, or watched some YouTube. Then, after dinner, I had to go coach my volleyball team. Today was not the best training.

This was kinda understandable, since (1) our next match, is against a really weak opponent, (2) we were only like 8 players and (3) I had a special training, with my middles, and the others had to look for themself.

After the practice, I got home at about 12pm, watched some YouTube, and now I’m writing you. Otherwise, nothing important happened.

Since it’s already way too late, I head to bed now. See you tomorrow and good night! Bye-Bye!

My Day

Dear Diary! Today, hardly anything happened. I basically spent all my time either studying (that is solving ODE’s) or watching YouTube. I realized, what my “working-pattern” is. Since, once I am on YouTube it’s hard to stop. And it’s exactly the same with studying. Once I started solving some ODE’s, I usually solve for about 2 hours, before realizing, that I could take a break.

It’s just like with the first law of Newton:

An object at rest remains at rest, or if in motion, remains in motion at a constant velocity unless acted on by a net external force.

which, if you think about it, makes sense.

On a separate unrelated note: Yesterday, I predicted, that I’m getting sick. And today, in the morning, it was better. Over time, it was always with ups and downs. But for now, only my nose is plugged. So that’s not too bad (yet).

Otherwise, nothing more happened today…

What does it feel like, to be over someone?

There is this one scene from the office where Ryan talks to Pam and says this:

I don’t want to be with her but I can’t bear the thought of her being with anyone else. What should I do?

Ryan Howard

As weird as it may sound, sometimes, I do feel like that. It’s really strange. I don’t really know why it is… It just feels weird. I wonder, if (or when) that feeling is vanishing. And, if it’s gone, does this then mean, that I’m over that person?

I believe so. But on the contrary: Does this mean, that right now I’m not really over her? I can’t really say…

Also, this sometimes makes me think, that I should not have broken up with her? Depending on how bad (depressed) I feel, the question ranges from somewhat yes (quite sad) to no (not really sad – happy).

But if I feel, like I shouldn’t have broken up with her, I then think back, and then I can say, that it was (definitely) the right decision.

Just for the protocol: today, I feel, as if I made the mostly right choice.

Being nice(?)

If you remember, on January 24, I wrote “take care”, when saying goodbye. Another strange thing is: Every day since then, I think about it. Or rather if I should write it today as well. This is a thing that puzzles me, because, most of the time, it does not feel right to write that.

I think, this is concerning to some extend. Cuz, why is that? Like – hello?? Shouldn’t it feel right, to just do it? I even wrote it once more, but then I deleted it, because it just didn’t feel right… I don’t know. I don’t even know why this is. But yeah. It is that way. Make of this, whatever you may want.

Maybe, I had a good day then, or so? I don’t know??

That’s all for today. I’ll see you tomorrow! Bye-Bye!